Elf Off Already

Sizing Ass-essment

Wanted: One Travel Guardian

I've Lost All Concept Of Time

Subject to check, does anyone else think that the walls are closing in?

 

I Feel You Abe, I Do.

Things Abe and I have in common: lawyering and APE ARMS.

 

1:07 mark - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K74IzbcpneU

 

 

I also like top hats.

Trivia(l) Knowledge

I Am An Adult

That's what she said.

 

Oh please. As if I was going to let that one go.

 

Meeting Notes

Sadly there are no forks, just wooden coffee stirrers. Damn, they must be on to me.

 

If Attorneys Could Hand Out Shock Collars...

This Is What Happens When I Don't Monitor My Brain

This Is Why There's A Designated "Take Your Kid To Work" Day...

Remember StegoWheels?

 

Well this is what happens when you take a dreaded-out cat to the vet. Some might think that this is a good thing - problem solved, right? Personally, I'm afraid that this method is similar to agricultural field burning: "Let's burn down this bitch so that it gets all revitalized and better stuff grows in."

 

Looks like it's time to invest in a circular saw.  And to remove Wheels' claws.

 

My Bad - Did I Leave My "Do Disturb" Sign Out Again?

Sorry I'm Not Sorry, Wheels

Name: Wheels

Species: F. catus

Nationality: She's either Russian or from the streets of Baltimore

Characteristics: Similar to those of a Stegosaurus - large, heavily built, quadruped. Wheels has a distinct and unusual posture, heavily rounded back, short forelimbs, and a ridge of clumped, matted hair along her spine that formed as a result of her inability to adequately clean herself. This dreadhawk is most likely the result of Wheels' appetite mirroring that of a Bullmastiff.

 

 

 

It's ok Wheels, this is not an uncommon thing: http://www.wikihow.com/Clean-Your-Cat-When-He-Can't-Do-It-Himself

Whole Snooze

Timestamp - 7:04 am

Location - Whole Foods parking lot

 

Getting to Whole Foods right when it opens to hit up the fresh breakfast bar is just slightly outweighed by getting there, leaning your seat back, and taking a car nap.

 

Although...maybe this is what happens when people on Ambien hit the snooze button. Wake up, sleepdrive to the destination, then snooze.  

 

 

My Nickname Should Be Entropy

I Drink Because I Care...About Forgetting Things Like This

Although, Google did a nice job this morning of reminding me how the rest of the population feels about lawyers...

Point taken, Google.

Sponge Bob Square Shirt

Jet Lag I Can Handle...

Things(?) Found In The Checkout Line

Oooh - they come in his AND hers.

 

Let's be serious. As if I wasn't going to take a picture of the 7 am Whole Foods ponytail power duo.  

 

BYOF: Bring Your Own Feedback

Things Found In The Checkout Line

 

Dad, if this was actually what you wanted for Father's Day, we would need to discuss whether or not mom's and your mailman in 1982 had red hair.

 

Emails Stop Coming In At 5 pm, Right?

Lawyering Gives Me Warm Fuzzies

Things Found In The Checkout Line

In an effort to extend its product reach to different consumer groups, the Blue Diamond executives locked the Product Development Team in a conference room with nothing but a giant bag of marijuana.

 

 

They also created strawberry flavored almonds. Neither are ok with me.

Accidental Karaoke - You Know You've Done It

If Only Philosophers Had Drive-Thrus

Hey Plato, I'll see your belief that the path to knowledge is through reflection, introspection, and rational thought, and I'll raise you late-night Taco Bell.

 

It Doesn't Count As Drinking Alone If You Have Pets

 

Summer, Summer, Summertime

Things Found In The Checkout Line

 

 

Oh thank God. I just ran out of my purse juice yesterday. Now I can have my regularly scheduled on-the-go white wine happy hour.

 

 

I Can Stop Any Time. Really.

This One's For The Nerds

Delearium

I Can't Help It - My Brain Went There

Oh That? That Was The Sound Of My Brain Exploding

That's What I Said - Boobie Traps!

 

http://www.hark.com/clips/fbcphtzczz-thats-what-i-said-boobie-traps

Things Found In The Checkout Line

Remember roid grape? In contrast, I found the smallest tub of vaseline ever.  It's .25oz, which begs the question, who, besides doctors, needs those giant tubs? Creeps, that's who.

 

Road Rage - I Have That

Side note: I just discovered that Road Rage is featured under Women's Health on webmd.com. (I google strange things.) I'm pretty sure this is  a conspiracy by men to perpetuate the stereotype that women are bad drivers because they're jealous that we get out of traffic tickets (read: have boobs. Mom and Dad, immediately forget that I said that). For all of us unruly female drivers out there, here are some tips:

If You are Prone to Road Rage

Warning: Intervention pending. As a psychotherapist, Markell often sees people whose "significant others" are concerned or terrified by their mate's aggressive driving. If you or your spouse think this has become a problem, some possible steps to take include:

• Get sufficient rest -- lack of sleep leads to loss of control. Dr. Markell, I would need a new job to get more sleep, which is not an option. Get better ideas.
• Limit alcohol -- "Alcohol can make you rageful," Cadell says (not to mention impair your driving other ways).  Fortunately, I don't drink before I go to work.  Although I may start if they don't stop repaving every street leading to downtown.
• Leave earlier for your destinations. That 10-second wait won't bug you as much. Stop judging me for consistently being 5 minutes late. Also, you've clearly never driven in a big city, country mouse. 10 seconds my arse.
• Play soothing music. This can really help.  If Enya could lower blood pressure, cardiologists would become obsolete.
• Be aware of your driving. Leon James, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Hawaii and author of Road Rage and Aggressive Driving: Steering Clear of Highway Warfare, recommends watching yourself -- what makes you angry, how long do you stay angry. Tell yourself, "It was not their fault -- it was the guy in front of them." Mhmm, I see what you're saying. However, the "guy in front of them" cleared the intersection and then this mope managed to get stuck by the red light a block up, and now I have to stare at him while I'm stopped at a green light because he's blocking my path.
• Put pictures of your loved ones on the dashboard -- you want to come home to them. Oh right. You just advised my husband to stage an intervention and now you want me to drive with his judging eyes on me?  False.

Lent: Catholic For Diet

Yammer Time

Inbox Full

Snack Attack

I May Have Bad Posture, But I Ain't No Slouch

Everyday I'm Gatherin'

Rx: Laziness

iBedtime

Ermahgerd

Blogger won't let me upload pictures/drawings.

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