It's Alive!

Whoa, guys. I ignored my blog for so long that the character came to life. 

I know, I know. You missed me. I ran out of funny for a while. More stick figures to come. 

Un-fortified Wine?

Luckily I'm an adult  and managed to suppress my raging desire to ask the waitress how long the Dry Sack is aged. 

Things Found In The Checkout Line

Anything else with your coffee? How about I destroy your morning with a friendly reminder that animal cruelty is a thing. Dammit Sarah McLachlan, you and your avatar eyes haunt my dreams.  

This is your Wednesday morning public service announcement/punch in the heart. 

Things Found In The Checkout Line

Did I buy the towels I specifically went to Bed Bath and Beyond to buy? Nope. Did I buy this bacon bowl creating device? Yer damn skippy. Bought two.

Happy Hump Day?

Fergie, I think I found a new nickname for your lovely lady lumps. 

I'm pretty sure that I'm a 14 year old boy trapped in a 31 year old girl's body. Sorry parents, don't think this is a reflection of my upbringing.

Eden : Apple :: Clean Line : Banana

In response to my last blog post, my coworkers have altered their banana-eating behavior. Banana shame is a thing.  

3:15? Yep, banana forking time. 

Bananas Lead To Unapeeling Conversations

Talking to someone who is eating a banana ranks pretty high on the list of things that make me uncomfortable. 

Et Tu, Glute(n)?

Dear people who have told me that you want to develop a gluten allergy to lose weight, be careful what you wish for...

It's Like I've Been Using Aging Cream...

The new scanner at work makes my drawrings look funny...but I'm not allowed to dump coffee on work property. Whatever. 

In other news, Wikipedia and I are in a fight. According to it: "Oldies is a radio format that concentrates on music from a period of about 15-55 years before the present day."

Is this what chest pain feels like?

Jello-sy Is Unbecoming

Seriously, nothing about a doctor-mandated cleanse is awesome. But my parents are :) 

(Overshare pending...but that's what blogs are for, right?)

 Note: I will never eat jello again. I have jello-induced PTSD (post traumatic shit disorder).

For the record, Stephen is still among the living. Barely...

Aw, but it's only 16 oz. No - it's 16 oz of fake-cherry-flavored Satan drink with the viscosity of snot.   

If only dad, if only. 

Also, there is NOTHING on TV at 2 am. Because who would want to be distracted after waking up in the middle of the night to drink a second 16 oz dose of puke drool only to have a serious 2-hour long come to Jesus meeting with the commode.  

Sorry guys, my filter does not exist. It's like I took Golytely for the inner monologue.

iDriving, Brought To You By Darwin

Have you heard about the new iPad app that steers your car for you? Yeah, me neither. 

New Orgeans

New Orleans: Where supply meets demand...

LegAllegory - Generalizations About Lawyers

Oh - you want to see sin for what it really is? There's a two-and-half-day legal conference in New Orleans, the third day of which starts early Saturday morning. Check that out.

Ass-cuse Me, Is It Drafty In Here?

This guy right here. 

We get it. Your pants say, "I reject the values of mainstream society" but your drink says, "I yearn for the summer days of my youth." 

You're like an onion. So many layers. Except over your ass. Not nearly enough layers there. 

Femmortal Kombat

The primary treatment for period rage (medically, pre-menstrual disorder) is keeping a diary. Noted. 

"Hey babe, will you please pass me my @*&$@^*$#*&&# HATE JOURNAL BEFORE I RIP YOUR BALLS OFF? I'm having an episode and I need to document it."

Resolution Loopholes

This year I'm going to go to the gym more, as long as no one minds that I eat pie and drink beer while on the treadmill.  

P.S. I totally creeped on this poor girl who was carrying her cream soda around the gym. And then I judged her for walking at 3.3 mph on the treadmill so she could text. I don't even feel badly about it - stupid youth and their high metabolisms.